Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

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[At a Restaurant]

Me : Hey waitress, can i ask about the Menu please
Waitress : The men i please is none of your business


I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.


How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby


Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.


Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.


Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”


It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.


“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother


“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.