Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life