@SuSuSuDonym

Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

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@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

@TheBeerGuy73

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@StayNobody

*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u

@mommajessiec

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

@SaltyCorpse

My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…

@ndiquote

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.