Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

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Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*


BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.


Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”


My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.


*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u


[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”


My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…


No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.