Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
…u ok Nintendo?
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.