Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.