@briangaar: Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
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@SoVeryBritish: British seasons: Spring: Two months Summer: Eight minutes Autumn: Three weeks Winter: Seven years
@sixfootcandy: Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.
@Purple_Pito: My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said "maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes" 💀
@Parkerlawyer: My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes. If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.