@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them

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@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@Free_the_DJ

When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.

@KLobstar

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

@kumailn

Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.

@MavenofHonor

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@Sassafrantz

Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”