him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
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Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean