Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
figuring out my emotional availability:
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.