Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.


I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious


It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.


Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you


I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.


You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.


Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”


ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking


‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.


Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.