Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Just this preview of the story is enough
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop