KFC hitting the cannibal market
Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.
Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.
I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.