I’m not proud
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In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭