@thejodiest

Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.

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@PharmerRPh

Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

@MacAnnabella

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

@KalvinMacleod

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

@BassoonJokes

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

@JoshuaHvr

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

@amydillon

“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting

@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.