@GeriatricBeards: [Being kidnapped] Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome kidnapper: its been 10 minutes me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

@TequilaTears: My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

@nerdjpg: It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font. “Yes, Perfect”

@matt___nelson: *pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I'm walking in the wrong direction*

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: *angry; flings wine onto "dinner guest"; storms out of room Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon