@thejodiest
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@JessObsess
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
@DomesticGoddss
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
@Reverend_Scott
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
@ohpeetie
Today on Facebook:
1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes
@Jamiejamzz
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
@UncleDuke1969
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
@jonnysun
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
@BuckyIsotope
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
@FatherWithTwins
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious