@thejodiest
@QwertyJones3 KFC hitting the cannibal market
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@QwertyJones3 
@McGrumpenstein *third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
@wickedsuga When I get startled, I scream in a really deep voice instead of my normal one.
Cause if I’m going to be freaked out, you should be too.
@concretesledge_ I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.
@abbyrartistry Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
@ajax06 I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
@PinkCamoTO MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
@EmmyStar79 I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
@DadandBuried Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
@DaddyJew Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.