@thejodiest

Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.

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@JessObsess

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes

@UncleDuke1969

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

@jonnysun

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@FatherWithTwins

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious