Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there 20 minutes late.

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Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”


Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.


I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.


Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.


RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”


This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*


“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.