The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
men are simple creatures
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire