Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.