@DawnLovesZombie

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

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@QueefTornado

I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.

@rad_milk

i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead

@causticbob

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

@LostFelicia

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

@rolldiggity

1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.

@KattsDogma

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

@sixfootcandy

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

@Mom_Overboard

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before