Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
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No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.