Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars