Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done