Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
The Onion called it…again.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“you recording!?”