“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’


if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.


The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.


After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.


Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”


I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.


Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.


My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.


Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?