Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.


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The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rat poison
Bag of lime

What?…wait. Wrong list.


Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.


Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk


Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted


“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen


Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!


I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.


I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.


[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.


My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.