The key ingredients for a successful diet :
Bag of lime
What?…wait. Wrong list.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
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Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Wife: Have u done anything today?
Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street
Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you
Me: Apology accepted
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.