@TwoSapphiresBlu

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

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@HeyZeus666

The key ingredients for a successful diet :

Duct tape
Rope
Rat poison
Shovel
Bag of lime
Alibi

What?…wait. Wrong list.

@Brianhopecomedy

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@OctopusCaveman

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

@HatfieldAnne

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@BooFricketyHoo

I’m on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.

@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

@PlainTravis

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.