Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
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-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
this is how life feels
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”