Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.