Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Weather Girl: I’m looking at six to ten inches tonight.
Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.
Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.
But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.