@Not0nDrugs

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

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@catstronomical

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

@kiel_phillips

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@WilliamAder

Weather Girl: I’m looking at six to ten inches tonight.
Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.

But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.

@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

@MahnkeaTaylor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.