Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app