Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

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When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors


The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.


ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.


The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”


Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket


*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*


I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.