Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*