@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

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@TheHoyBoy_

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors

@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Since Tatooine has 2 suns shouldn’t Luke Skywalker cast 2 shadows?
GEORGE LUCAS:*pressing intercom* Security, she’s in the house again.

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@Darlainky

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

@candace_9871

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.