Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I like crazy people until they notice me
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Only Americans understand