when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism