me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Meow?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?