Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
date: so what are your hobbies?
me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
this is the news I live for
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”