If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
wish me luck lads
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”