Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
inventing words: clothing
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any