I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Yup.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
#winning
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.