Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
#catsoftwitter
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency