Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.


Amoeba: dad, how was I made?

Amoeba Dad: well son, when a man loves himself very much


I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.


[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*


TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



I’d only marry someone if they seemed like they’d be pretty easygoing during our divorce.


First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”


I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.