Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.