Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here