Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
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i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Smile they said.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
God has abandoned us.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll