Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
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Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
pictures of spider-man
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I鈥檓 on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I鈥檇 be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I鈥橫 SO FUNNY!
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it鈥檚 called an hourglass
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people鈥檚 grandparents
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don鈥檛 get it.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If you want to set up a company and run it that鈥檚 your business.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M鈥檚 flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you鈥檙e qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.