That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My new monthly budget
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.