@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

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@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@briancthayer

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

@trevso_electric

I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@robfee

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.