Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I love the National Park Service.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.