Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Monday Lisa
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again