Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants