Just took a 2 hour flight next to a nervous woman on her first flight who was white-knuckling it the whole time, & as a frequent flyer, the onus was on me to console her. So naturally, I put my hand gently on her arm and whispered: "we're all gonna die."

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

White women are wilding out here

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

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