Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Jurassic park gets weird
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged