Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better