Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“you recording!?”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*