Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed