[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.
God: *creates the crab
God:”You’re a crab”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
[with my pet bird at the park]
Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute
Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Sharks are just dolphins who went to the military.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.