DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.