I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
You Might Also Like
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.
Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.