Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.

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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.


A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.


Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.


ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what


Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.


Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.


Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.