I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.