@BruceForce

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

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@emsykay

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

@briangaar

Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@iinkedZombie

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

@daemonic3

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot