Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?