Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.