Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.


Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.


Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’

Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’


I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.


I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.


Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home


Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.


Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!


“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.