@LurkAtHomeMom

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

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@jwoodham

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

@VanVeenB

Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested.

Put her head right through the drywall.

Goddam cheap motels.

@oakhillbargrill

Him: ‘Sorry Mr Hill, no last minute call from the Governor. Any last words?’

Me: -whimpering ‘She squeezed the toothpaste from the middle’

@RealFartShady

I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

@TheAndrewNadeau

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hair Stylist: What are we doing today?

Me: Let’s do something that will look great here but I’ll have no chance of replicating at home

@Kryzazy

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@Thedudish

“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.