Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.