Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
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My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself