11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You Might Also Like
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*checks Timeline*…
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.