Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
August 8
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I have questions??
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.