Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]