@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

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@nbadag

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

@momjeansplease

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

@longwall26

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

@discoken

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

@KattsDogma

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

@eyepluckeramit

Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”

@sarabellab123

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.