Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
set yourself free xox
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!